The discovery of a new mammal; a rogue tissue in the wash; and the possibility of flesh-eating maggots burrowing into her brain… Good afternoon, it’s Miranda Ryan here with the Miranda Ryan news headlines.
Last night Miranda fell asleep on her side as normal, but awoke with both arms stretched way above her head. Both arms were completely numb so she had to try to flip over using just her body. Onlookers said she appeared not unlike a wounded dolphin, and regretted being friends with her.
Recently Miranda has experienced itchy inner ears. She is worried a flesh-eating maggot has laid eggs in there and they’re now gnawing into her brain like this unfortunate woman…
…but evidence suggests it’s most likely a build up of ear wax. The young lady has added cotton buds to her shopping list, and we’ll keep you updated as this story develops.
In devastating news, Miranda’s last clothes wash contained a rogue tissue. The wash was reported to have contained every piece of black clothes the young woman owns, with the young woman in question said to be “spewin”. Her shopping list was updated to include a lint roller.
Further news from the retail sector: there have been reports that Miranda accidentally purchased a packet of Woolwoths store brand ‘not-Grainwaves’ chips. The packaging is similar, and the imitation product was placed next to the desired product. The result was extremely disappointing and the victim claimed it was “complete bullshit”. She ate them anyway, but only out of anger.
Checking in on sport… Ms Ryan has failed to go the gym all week, yet has gotten a good lower arm workout carrying her gym clothes to and from the office. No other sports reports have come to light.
And finally, in what some experts have called “a remarkable discovery”, Miranda has found out that the wolverine is an actual animal – not a mythical creature/superhero played by Hugh Jackman as previously thought.
That’s all there is for now, tune in later for more of the same.
SHOW AND TELL: What is your latest?